What Does it Mean to Matter? It's that point in the new year where resolutions fall by the wayside and intentions to be better/more disciplined/more focused lapse, as we return to who we really are. The more seasoned among us knows that this previous version of us was already good enough, no matter the messages society sends at the end of every December.

I’ve been thinking about the subtle (and overt) cues our students search for in order to confirm their worth. An end of semester comment from a teacher, their name on the cast list after a big audition, sitting on the bench during a hockey game, college admission decisions…

Every day, students are trying to assess their worth and just how much they matter. As a society, we produce and produce, perhaps searching for purpose or seeking validation. Yet in the ever competitive race to secure a future deemed successful, our students are faced with unprecedented pressures to succeed. 

Last fall I (and nearly every head of school I know) read Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic - And What We Can Do About It, which has been sweeping independent schools across the nation. In it, award-winning reporter Jennifer B. Wallace investigates the deep roots of toxic achievement culture and suggests ways to fight back. According to psychologists, the pervasiveness of this culture has resulted in the loneliness epidemic, the fragmentation of community connectedness, and the deeply rooted toxic achievement culture. 

Wallace’s book is premised on in-depth interviews conducted by researchers from the Harvard School of Education, who asked nearly 6,500 parents, families and educators about the pressure to perform.

Parents shared similar stories of children, “jam-packing their schedules with AP classes, filling every waking hour with resume-padding activities, and even sabotaging relationships with friends to “get ahead.” Family incomes and schedules are stretched to the breaking point by tutoring fees and athletic schedules. Yet this drive to optimize performance has only resulted in skyrocketing rates of anxiety, depression, and even self-harm in America’s highest achieving schools. Parents, educators and community leaders are falling into the same quandary: how can we teach our kids to strive towards excellence without crushing them?”

Wallace continues, “what kids need from the adults in the room is not more pressure, but to feel like they matter, and have intrinsic self-worth not contingent upon external achievements. Parents and educators who adopt the language and values of mattering help children see themselves as a valuable contributor to a larger community. And in an ironic twist, kids who receive consistent feedback that they matter no matter what are more likely to have the resilience, self-confidence, and psychological security to thrive”.

The social psychologist Morris Rosenberg first conceived the idea of mattering in the 1980s, while studying self-esteem among adolescents. Wallace and her colleagues have used that research as a foundation for what they call The Mattering Movement, the action arm of her findings. She has created a platform and plan for parents to support each other, their children, and lead a shift in culture. How wonderful it would be to imagine our own parent community engaging in conversation about culture, family, and mattering. Cultural shifts don’t happen in a vacuum, which is why The Mattering Movement suggests that parents lean on each other.

To be clear, Wallace is not anti-ambition; she recognizes there is joy in achievement. As a former Division 1 athlete myself, achievement was ingrained into my pursuit of excellence and to some degree, my sense of self. But achievement becomes toxic when we measure our worth and value solely by our achievements. According to Wallace, “achievement pressure is felt by students today, and they are feeling it from every direction: from parents who just want what’s best for their kids; from teachers who are under their own pressures to hit certain standards; and schools both public and private that are under their own pressures to perform”. 

As parents and educators across the nation are thinking about ways to combat today’s widespread mattering deficit, I am confident that as a thoughtful and committed community, we can lean on each other to redefine success on our own terms and help our children aspire to lead a meaningful life. One in which they unequivocally know: I matter.

Resources:

Never Enough

https://www.jenniferbwallace.com/about-never-enough

Washington Post: Students at High Achieving Schools Are Now Named an At-risk Group

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2019/09/26/students-high-achieving-schools-are-now-named-an-at-risk-group/

The Mattering Movement - Parent Toolkits

https://www.thematteringmovement.com

When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic

https://www.wnyc.org/story/when-achievement-culture-becomes-toxic